Sometimes being honestly hated by people leaves a person feeling more themselves, more whole, real, and open than anything else. Dangerous as that might be, at times...I have a problem.I hate people regardless of whether they are gay or straight or trans. (Or anything else.)Ha ha ha ha...I have this unfortunate animal tendency to judge people based on their individual behaviour in my presence and in regards to me immediately rather than as a 'thing'. What this means is... I absolutely can't stand a lot of gay and trans people and can't even pretend to like them. Meaning, I hate you equally along with everyone else.The lack of bias is interesting, but is most often misinterpreted as something else.The amusing* reality is that this open dislike of mine... is basically flattery... in the bigger picture. However, no one is going to step back to look at that.I've often been faced with situations where, upon stepping back from myself, I found myself flattered by someone's dislike of me, because the dislike was more honest than them fawning over me and trying to give me 'support'. (False support is something I loathe more than almost all other things.)
I guess this is almost like some kind of useless warning to the world about my overly opinionated emotional spillover... The cup is too full. It just takes a drop. Ha ha...
This reminds me of a really eloquent story of Ursula K. LeGuin's... So, pathetically, I'm going to recommend reading it to any unfortunate soul who stumbles across this horrible blog. Collected in "Buffalo Gals and Other Animal Presences" is a story called "Vaster Than Empires and More Slow". (The whole thing contains my absolute favourites of her work... so, selfishly... I'd seriously recommend the book highly to anyone. If you're read other works of LeGuin's but not this, do yourself a favour and get a hold of it somehow.) Anyway... this story, it's well known mostly because it deals with "FEAR" in an almost Lovecraftian kind of a way, but that's not the part I'm getting at. The pivotal character is an empath, and there are a few very interesting lines about love and hate. (It was almost some kind of knock-down shock to me that another human being might put something like that to writing.)
* Amusing. To me. And I'm probably actually pretty alone in having that sort of a sense of irony and gallows humour.
...Actually, maybe I should continue this... A lost bit of context here is that I'm very frustrated with something: A lot of social/cultural shields have gone up recently which prevent people from being honest about their feelings. (Due to the action of certain very irritating and very vocal groups. Groups who probably couldn't comprehend another human being even if the data were streamed directly into their brains. Groups who consider themselves to be majorities... and feel threatened in that. After all, the guy at the top of the pyramid most often thinks he has the most to lose. He probably doesn't, but he has the longest way to fall...) Uh... long story short, socially, it is unacceptable for anyone to express even mild dislike of, say, a gay person, a Jewish person, a Muslim, or a trans woman. (Although, interestingly, trans men and androgynes/two-spirit people still seem to exist in a hole of complete invisibility. (I find myself reminded of the ignorance field(?) in some of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide books... I don't remember what it was called, though...)) And the truth is, we are all people. Sometimes, we can't stand each other on a personal level. It's just how it is. And when that's disrupted and we have to suck up to people we can't stand due to their standing (whether they mean to or not) under this social aegis... very bad things start to happen. Much worse things than openly showing dislike for a person. There's a cycle of 'suppression of discomfort' with covering things over with false 'light'... and the society we're in right now is right in the thick of that cycle like some kind of crazy carnival ride. (But this gets right back into "I've never been hurt by anything more than I've been hurt by 'Light'" again... and I could just go on and on... so I'm just going to cut this off here...)
By delegitimizing 'dislike' and creating an environment of enforced false tolerance, honest 'like' and 'love' and 'tolerance' is also delegitimized.
People say there's a lot of hate in the world, and there is. But if you spend your time attacking the smoke, you never really take care of the fire.
Actually, maybe 'hate' is the wrong word to use here in the beginning, but...
Damn, I really do just keep going on and on, don't I.
