2016 Oct. 10th
Well, my health has taken a severe turn for the worse... It feels almost like some kind of divine retribution, brought on by daring to try to make myself into something like a respectable human being over the course of the summer.
My sense of self-worth at this point is even worse off than my physical health... It looks like it's been completely obliterated. I no longer do anything around the house, I'm not studying, I barely read, I exercise only every few days, and overall I'm actively avoiding doing anything. This isn't like me, and I can't really handle it. Pushing myself only makes it worse.
I don't feel like it's any use getting into it right now, especially not given that this blog is functionally a sort of semi-public echo chamber...
It took me a while to realize that one of the reasons why I was having trouble making understandable lists of symptoms or expressing how I feel is that I'm actually somewhat delirious and I've kind of dissociated from everything. Losing my awareness of my actual condition, and what I'm really able to do, is terrifying. (And leads to a lot of accidents when I try to do anything, some more hazardous than others.) This falls into TMI territory, but the other day (October 6th), rather than bowel movements, my body was producing gobs of mucus into the toilet. Medical intervention (or rather, begging the medical industry to pay attention to some part of this that can't be 'cured' with antidepressants, Pepto-Bismol, and codeine) has proven to be something so much worse than utterly pointless that it becomes a joke, unjokes itself, and then rejokes itself. I'm really tired of this kind of shit... (No pun intended?? Oh well. Too late.)
