A Ghost Attached To Some Meat

I feel like I'm a ghost attached to some meat.

I'm not really 'alive'. People take so much for granted... like being able to feel. Even if it's just to get irrationally angry about stupid posts people make online, or... something.

I joke about being 'undead', but it isn't really a joke. As far as I'm concerned, I'm about as close to what it actually means to be 'undead' as it's possible to be.

And I've lived this way for almost all of my life. When I was a toddler, there were times when I didn't feel so bad. Sometimes, rarely, I still remember them. It's extremely depressing, like getting crushed by a building, emotionally speaking...

I keep saying to myself that what I'm doing in life and have been doing all of this time is "clawing my way out of my own grave". Wow, it feels so bad to just put that here, in quasi-public, in something like this, for the first time. I wish it had been something with more context and depth.

...and really, I haven't clawed my way out of it yet, in the roughly three decades I've been alive, and it doesn't look to me as if I have any real chance of accomplishing it for real in this lifetime.

I've lived for so long using every possible tactic to make the best of everything. Constantly. Everything. No matter how bad it got or how 'dark' my 'sense of humour' got, underneath of it I was engaged, ceaselessly, in a massive battle to attempt to get the best I possibly could out of my situation, no matter what. To still be able to think, somehow, to read, to have something to enjoy, something, to be able to enjoy anything, in any way. To have even the tiniest wisps of some kind of excuse for a life. It wasn't a life that I had, but I tried to make the best of what I did in fact actually have... underneath and throughout however incredibly fucked up it all was.



It's frustrating... I've written things before in my personal journals and files that express how I feel pretty well. But here, what have I really written to describe it? Pretty much nothing. It's just "I feel bad", with nothing that really shows how.