A Deep Pit, part 2

continuation of this post
2016 Jul. 12th-14th

I feel like an animal in a deep pit, wasting the last of my energy scrabbling at the walls, just making them steeper as I struggle. I don't know how to meet people... compatible people. I don't have the energy to just subject myself to thousands of people and pull off looking energetic and problem-free, hoping that I can still recognize some that are tolerable and some that 'click' in the midst of that infinitely distracting, burning cacophony. I'm not cut out for this.

I desperately want some kind of human contact - quiet, gentle, and honest. I'm not interested in 'playing the game', which I've heard so often brutally pushed as 'the only way to do things', or somehow inescapable - somehow necessary. It isn't. "Bullshit" isn't the only way to handle existence... and it's certainly no way to make true, lasting friends or acquaintances. 

I can feel time bleeding away from me... As time goes on, even just on a daily basis, I can see me and my family getting more and more isolated, and less and less able to reach out, and less and less able to deal with people, or even form bonds, as this goes on.

I'm surrounded by a culture which is basically made out of endless, towering layers of bullshit. Bullshit that feeds on itself, endlessly, as if it had a life of its own. The internet feeds this, gives it a habitat to expand almost infinitely.

A total bullshit culture... loud and assaulting... impenetrable. "Their mouths are open and their ears are closed." A massive world within a world, made of rhetoric, feeding on itself like an ouroboros. (And apparently, feeding on everything else, also.) A world where the myth of the myth is more important than the truth, which must, at all costs, never be mentioned. Even so much as moving in such a way that may possibly hint to others, sideways, that there is in fact an unmentioned elephant perched on the living room coffee table will result in a quick assault and threat of expulsion from 'legitimate' social circles. This is madness. No... THIS   IS   SPARTAAAAAA.....

In this state of vulnerability and deep need, I'm the perfect prey for people who like to “GIVE ADVICE” (usually new agey victim-blaming shit – just a way to puff up or stroke their own egos... gives them someone to stand on)... among others... So many others...

How can I possibly connect with others? All the roads seem closed. I'm used to going the 'back way', the underground way. Moving quietly while other people shout and/or party. But at this point...