A Deep Pit

2016 Jul. 12th
(about 9-10pm)

Well, I had an interesting day today, in a very subtle, suffocating sort of a way. ("In space, no one can hear you scream.") And the whole thing brought me to a really, really stupid idea. An idea with painfully predictable results.

I thought of starting a Facebook group, knowing that Facebook is not for that. The people who 'succeed' at Facebook are the people who already have at least some kind of real-life, in-person social network to build from.

I had looked at groups to join on Facebook before, but... as I might have already said somewhere around here... I hate Facebook. I only use it begrudgingly, and only signed up for it because it was the only way to get information on a meetup event in the area. One that I had already already missed at the time I signed up for it.

It's stupid, but I'm still torn about what to do about my identity... or maybe, 'non-identity'. I know so few people, it's fundamentally irrelevant. And really, I'm not here to look like a thing. I'm not here to put on some kind of drag act and present some kind of 'gender face'... I just exist. It's always been that way. Why bother people? I'm annoying enough already. I don't want to bother people.

And the thing is, if I start connecting this shit on Facebook with me... It will be out there and public and inescapable. I already can't escape it, but that's just me. What about everyone else? Does it even matter? It does. Can I ride with that? All the way? It will mean part of my identity being hijacked into someone else's 'movement' - being 'fitted' into their rigid, ever-in-flux definitions of gender, their labels, their 'fight'. Not mine. Mine is a distinct thing - as with so many other people. People who just kind of... disappear... because we're not running around wearing a rainbow flag, shouting about shit in people's faces.

I think a stronger form of the fight for the right to exist here, really, is to exist quietly, without disappearing. This is what struck me after the Florida shootings. The key here is not to have huge loud protests, or violent protests, or harass "cis" people... but to continue to exist in an everyday way, quietly, without disappearing. But where's the line between flaunting yourself and just existing? For a 'freak of nature' like me, or an intersex person, or a trans person, simply existing and being visible is enough to offend people outrageously. In a lot of places in North America, it simply being even vaguely hinted at that one is "GAY" is enough to mark a person as intrusive in the lives of others, and invite proactive attack. Attack that, as 'actually normal people', we can't really do much of anything about in return.

Okay, so... it comes down to 'just live your life, as yourself, as best you can'... Without being loud or demanding. Gather your friends, be close with real people, and make that your mark on the world (instead of, for instance, shouting rhetoric at people while dressed in a rainbow thong and saying it's your absolute right to do so).
Okay... so... where does this really leave me?

I struggled earlier today with trying to write a blog post, due to being moved by a bunch of things that kind of 'collided' today... I wrote something relatively clear in my personal journal, but found that I couldn't manage translating it out into something that worked on this blog. It lost all context, and I couldn't weave the contexts and references together to make it work. And in the end, it still left me with this same thing I'm talking about.

I feel hopeless, currently... which is dangerous for me. The reality of suicidal depression doesn't come from the things people most popularly hold it to... It comes from an existential feeling of a total loss of other options. As animals, we naturally gravitate to other options... until we feel we've lost them all. Whether it's just that we can't see them, or they really are gone... it differs with each person and situation and incident.

I desperately, desperately want some way to be able to be with other people, some path that leads to real human connections... and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to push myself any further in that direction.

For me, 'going out' consists of 'targeted strikes'. I don't have the energy to waste on the frantic frenzy in the social wildwaters that almost everyone else with a public face seems to. Besides, I'm damaged goods. Naturally this brought me to the 'other side of reality'... where the broken people go. What about support groups? I've been over that again and again. I've watched relatives fail at it. I hate "therapy". I've seen what it's like and what it is, and where would I even fit? Also, I feel it's unhealthy. It's just a little club for people with the same illness or addictions to kind of feed on each other, at its most basic... and it depends on labels and medications to make those 'clubs' work. I don't want any of that. I'm not interested in that.
Really, literally, flatly, the only thing I am interested in when it comes to anything social is real human connection. Good or "bad"... However, even "being honestly hated" isn't enough. It wears on a person, it isn't really nourishing. It can be kind of replenishing, but only like getting a bucket of icewater in the face. We all need something 'good', in some way. Something that doesn't come along with torture or punishment as a payment, or, in fact, any kind of payment. (For instance, to have anything to do with artist communities in a productive way, you have to pay for friends... by making interesting art along with them, and then hope you wander into the right communities... and have the energy to keep trying.)

What's the use of writing all of this?
Where should I even be putting my energy?? There's so little of it to work with.

I had more to say on this, but I might continue it later... (unlikely.)